3/14/?(06 or 07) The More

The more I listen to you The less I hear The closer your body The more I forget The noise that surrounds me, Changes who I am Changes who He wants me to be

see

I sift and I see
images of what was
memories of what will never be
would it even matter
if they ever were
time has passed
drifting
erasing
gone

?? Hiding

To hear myself
I need you to shut up
TO listen to Him
I need to shut up

To say anything
I need silence
To move forward
I need to stop

The more I listen
the less I hear
Your voice is hiding

?? Death & Destruction

Death & Destruction
brings forth life and renewal
Sunshine and flowers
eventually leave

Though there is sunshine
there is still death
Through the destruction
the flowers bloom

?? Less is more??

The further away I stay
the less you can say
the harder it is for you to do

the less you say
the less confused I am
Push away, grow for me
Stay close and the fire burns
To be me and hear you
is like apples growing on an orange tree
When i hear you, I can't be me

*This was written at a choir concert at WIU - prolly 2004 or 2005 *

?? waiting for light ???

No idea where this is from...

Deep inside
the monster lurks
sucking in the outside world
pulling it deep in my bones
my flesh wishes to reject
push it out
fight against

hot
sweaty
heavy
waiting for light to break threw

?? Forgive others ??

Not sure when this was written or where it came from

How many lies can you feed me?
how much longer will I listen?
Forgive others as Christ forgives you
I feel like I must prove myself,
are you even work the effort?
my heart is an explosion
It's been stretched apart too many times
you say you don't trust
but you're full of shit
forgive others as Christ forgives you
I want to walk away
leave you with the mess you made
but i can't
i care too much
my frustration builds
can I help you carry your burdens
if you keep pushing me away?
Just like you, I'm only human, yet
forgive others as Christ forgives you

02/08 ?? Ramblings

So I was cleaning threw my closet and I found this piece of paper that I had written on while listening to a friend of mine play at school - I'm not really sure where some of it was going - but there might be something for me to work with in here....

Tear away
Peel the pain
Fight the hurt

Building brewing
Fighting to see tomorrow

Pushing
Parting
Dividing the darkness

Wandering
Lost
Never to be found

Dying
Hope
Praying to see light

Desire
......

Yell
Scream
Punch the pain away
Never again to feel
Never again
Never more
Love hurts more than hate

No more hiding
no more bottling
flowing out
pouring down
puddling
with no where to go
no way to keep it in
No desire to hold back

Tired of being your yo-yo
Tired of being tossed aside
Tired of not mattering to you

They told me to stay away but why?
How can something appear to be right
and be so wrong?
It only makes me want to be closer
and play with fire
Fire with burn
but I love pain
.........

7/7/09 Rushing Back so quickly

Rushing back so quickly
The sun was shinning
The day was bright
One cloud came
And darkness fell

Waiting for the cloud to pass
Soaking up the darkness
Slowly it begins to move
But nothing seems to change

Saturated in the darkness
Even though the sun is shinning
This day will never be the same
all because one cloud came

IN PROGRESS

Like floating in space
weightless
at ease

Feeling nothing
numbness
not peace

Wanting more
wishing
oh please

5-13-09

This is to be named and added to later, I know there's more but I can't feel it right now

3-25-09 Once Again

Once again I found myself sitting in the dark
Searching for the light, to guide me out this tunnel
the light was looking for me
In the stillness of my darkest night, it found me
So familiar, so clear
Reminding me that it had always been there
Waiting for me to be still
Hoping I would see it glistening and turn towards it

3-25-09

I don't like this one just yet but I don't know what to do with it either

3-16-09 It meant

When I said it meant nothing
I meant something
Months of pent up emotions
Exploded into a moment

I hoped to leave something behind
A trail to follow back
Longing to travel it again some day
Hoping to hold on

Now there truly is nothing there
Behind me is only darkness
I left no trail
For you, it meant nothing

3/16/09

1-29-09 The World

Burning deep
the world I don't have
heavy laying
the world I don't want
piercing through
the world I know


hoping the burning
lightens the load
destroying the pain
this world does show

*1-29-09*

1-11-09 change

Another hole in my heart
longing to be filled
the possibilities are endless
my choices are few

Removing much
to make room for you
scared to let go
terrified of holding on

knowing for certain
only You can fill me
Once again I ask You
show me that You are all
with your love so amazing

*1-11-09*

12-26-08 perspective

You have a way
of changing my perspective
that no one can ever duplicate

My safety net is gone
you have left me no choice
but to look to you

To show me that your hands hold me
your hands guide me
your hands will never let me fall

Your hands have always held me
I have never needed my safety net
I've only needed to trust you

And always you will be there
holding, loving, supporting
I'll never need anything else

12-26-08

12-23-08 words

your words are like daggers
piercing my soul
ripping a part all that I am

As though you are pulling me down
making me feel your pain
hoping I'm never happy

You push away my words
and throw them back at me
words have lost their meaning

go ahead, my friend,
pierce me all you'd like
these wounds are not deep

Time will pass
I will rebuild
stronger than I am

*I'm not sold on this title*
12-23-08

12-18-08 Hunger

Hunger

why do I crave what I can't have
want what's not good for me
long to have it now
hurt when someone else has it
feel responsible for the damage

Inside the hole is growing
this hunger needs to stop
what is it hungry for
How should I feed it

Nothing ever goes away
time doesn't always help
Inside are always memories
reminding me of what I can't have

12-18-08

12-14-08 So close and yet so far

sparks in the air
The passion is rising
I long for your embrace

Your touch eases the pains
the warmth of you next to me
brings comfort for weeks

I leave always wanting more
desiring for moments to never end
yearning for one more hour

Never did I imagine
I'd be writing this to you

Our time had past
the ship had sailed
our pieces were astrew

yet here we stand,
together again
loving every moment

the pieces come together
my heart leaps for joy
but only for a moment

For in that moment
I glimpse at the pieces
they all fit together
but now where has the picture gone?

12-14-08

11-26-08 I'm not sure what you wish to accomplish

I’m not sure what you wish to accomplish

When you point out my problems
But provide me with no advice

When you tell me I’ll never be happy
But don’t tell me why

When you tell me that you understand my life
But don’t tell me what you suddenly understand

When you tell me the same thing over and over again
Even though I continue to have the same response

When you point out the specs in my eyes
With the plank still in yours

I’m not sure what you wish to accomplish
With these backwards word games
These inside out comments

Why can’t you just tell me
Or let it go?

11-26-08

11-17-08 Letting go

I tell you it's not my cross to bear
you tell me to shut my face
I tell you it's between you and God
you tell me to shut my face
I tell you it's your choice to make
you tell me to shut my face

Now my face is shut
But you still want me to talk

One last time I try
I open my mouth to speak
to check up
And once again
you'd rather hear nothing

nothing you will hear

I hate letting go
but holding on hurts more

Into God's hands I give your life
I pray you find happiness again

11-17-08