7-16-01 Deeper and Deeper

Seeping deeper and deeper
I can feel it
Soaking into my bones
The anger, frustration, the depression

Seeping deeper and deeper
Into my bones
The humidity is spreading through my system
I can feel it soaking and building up through my skin
The anxiety and anticipation is what kills
I never know when it will break through
The feelings keep soaking
And I want to cut them
I want to let them bleed out
Let them feel the cool breeze with the humid air
I want them to stop soaking
My bones cannot hold them anymore
They need to be exposed
They need to bleed out

7-16-01

06-08 No Longer

No longer

Don't think i won't
What makes you think that you still have time?
Cut it out
Throw it away
No longer will you lurk
In the depths of my memory
Your guilt, I will no longer feel
Your face will not haunt
Another perfect dream

June 2008

6-08 Inside

Inside

Inside
No burning
Just death
No piercing
Just stopped

Inside
Going nowhere
Floating
Thru masses of grey
Pacing
With no night or day

Inside
Fear
Loneliness

Inside
Death

Hiding inside

building and building
further and further
harder and harder

falling further
taking longer

walls are high
supplies are few

burning and churning
never knowing
always guessing

The thoughts that lurk
between my ears
Are not meant to be shared
Too dark
Too painful
Too wrong
You wouldn't think of me the same if you knew
If you knew how i felt
If you knew what I wanted
THe secrets i hold
are secrets not just from you
They are secrets from me
There are things I must never know


*I don't even remember writing this one - no date - it had no title - and I can't find it again

4-27-08 Burning deep

Burning Deep

Burning deep down within my veins
is a hatred that never seems to go away,
always lurking
always hiding
it comes only when the world is right
it stays longer than I wish it might

Burning down deep within my veins
is a hatred that never seems to go away
I only desire to cut it out
to slice it up
and pour it out
To watch the steam lift away

Burning deep down within my veins
is a hatres that never seems to go away
Overcome by it's darkness
I know not how to let go
changing me every moment
pulling me farther away from home

4-27-08

5/19/08 Again you fall

Again you fall

Again I fall
Again they stream
Again you remind me that i am so weak

I yurn to be strong
I keep trying
I desire to make peace

But for now
I'll let it be
Let it go,
and flee

5-10-07 Because

Because I love you
I will help you carry your burdens,
but I will also let you fall so you can learn to get back up

I will give you a jacket to keep warm
bur I will also teach you to work and make your own

I will give you advice
but some lessons you will never learn from me

I will continually be a part of your life,
but I might not be there every day so you can fly solo

I will let you make your own decisions
but I will let you know how i feel about them

But most importantly, because I love you I will jealously look out for your best interest and I will always be here for you, no matter how long it has been.

5-10-07

7-16-07 In Your Eyes

How is it that every time I look into your eyes I see streets of opportunity where you only see dead ends?
And every time I hear your voice my world gets a little brighter
And every time I need to talk, you're there to listen.
How is it you have so much of what I want?

I hate to stand by and watch you throw it away
I hate to watch you hurt your body
I hate to watch you settle when you can be so much more

How can I despise what you do the same amount that I love you?

7-16-07

7-29-07 less is more

less teaching about history, more application
less apologizing and more action
less complaining, more praying
less talking, more showing

less passion, more luke warm
less desire, more boredom
less talent, more repulsive
less communication, more fighting

7-29-07

9-8-07 DO you think I don't notice?

Do you think I don't notice the life you lead,
the lies you try to hide behind?
The life that you should be living?

Do you think I don't notice
how your number never comes across my phone?
how I never see you
the tension that's there?

Do you think I don't notice
how you keep in touch with other people,
yet can't call me?
the notes you leave on everyone else's walls?
the pictures that I find you in?

Do you think I don't notice?
do you even care?
what's it to you anymore?

Is it really that hard?

9-8-07

10-1-07 Fighting

Where?
Where did you come from?
I never felt you lingering
I never felt you waiting
but when you came
I felt you

I felt you envelop my being
I felt you take over my heart
I felt you drain the life from me

I felt the overwhelming sadness
I felt the disappointment
I felt the shame
I will always feel the hurt

When?
When will you leave?
When will I let go?

Somewhere inside of me you linger
Somewhere inside of me you will always hide
Somewhere

One day your sadness will leave me
One day I won't want to die
One day it will be okay

Until then I will fight
I will fight the lingering
I will fight the sadness
I will fight the hurt

I will fight because one day it will be okay

10-1-07

10-22-07 Always

Why am i afraid that you've left?
You have never left
Always, you have been there
You have always been watching
Watching me
Watching my life
Hanging your head and crying
Watching my life with a pierced heart
Watching and waiting
Waiting for me to change
Waiting for me to open my eyes
Open my eyes and see
See that you are there
See that you have always been there
To see how much you still care
and to feel
Feel your love all around me
Always

10-22-07

12-27-07 tension

Tension

Building
Fighting
Release
Tear it open

As it falls to the ground

Running
Pooling on the ground

The mess has been made

Finding a new dwelling
Hiding
Crying

How will it ever be clean?

Tension
Building
Running
Finding

12-27-07

1-7-08 start over

Why is it so hard to start over again

This life seems to defeat me

Building up inside of me are the words I will never say

Afraid to stand up

Terrified to stand out

Why is it so hard to start over again?

Runnning

Crying

Hiding

Tension building

Why is it so hard to start over?

It seems easier to end it

To stop the cycle completely

No more spend nights in pain, shaking and crying

Why is it so hard to start over?

*1-7-08*

Are there even words?

The tears keep coming
The hurt hasn't backed away
I often wonder if I've made the right choice

i want to be held
I want to be held
I want to be held, in your arms

My heart's torn
My heart's now on my sleeve

I'm sorry
I wish it were different
I want to put back my hand and deal another
I wish it were different

Where to turn
How is it that everyone is gone

alone
terrified
alone

2-28-08 Wound

Fresh wound
sensitive
marked
full of pain

covered over
scabbed
picked

sensitive
marked
full of pain

always there
never gone

*2-28-08*

7-15-08 A taste

I got a taste
I devoured it

never enough
always wanting more

Devouring me
Taking me over

Leaving me empty
scared
alone

yearning for
another taste

*7-15-08*

9-29-08 prowling to hurt

I can feel you trying to get inside me
Can’t you feel me pushing you out?
It was only a matter of time
Before you tried to get inside again

This feeling is familiar
But this time – it’s different
This time I know it’s you
I saw you coming
Like a black cat
Sneaking out of the shadows
On a dark night
Prowling around

Watching my every move
Waiting for me to open up
Trying to get inside of me
Forcing your way into my life
But you are mistaken if you think you’ll stay

I want you out
The darkness must go
Can’t you feel me pushing you out?
But you feed on that – don’t you?
You thrive to watch me struggle
It brings you joy to watch my heart ache
To see these tears fall

Be away with you
You can’t control me
You will not use me to help you

I will not let your fangs touch my skin
You will not get that close
I'm looking up

*9-29-08*

10-5-08 Take it Out

Reach in and pull it out
Cut it up
Feel the void
How many incisions will it take?

Clean it out
Rinse away
Gently wrap the wound
Healing, to become better and stronger

Take away the bitterness
May the bandage act as a shield
Keeping it from entering back again

Reach in
Cut it out
Fill the void
With your Love

*10-5-08*

The Start

Howdy -
I wanted a place to keep the things I've written over the years.
Some are depressing, some are hopeful and some don't make sense.
I'm not claiming any of them are any good - some of them still have very strong meaning to me but I'm willing to share anyway.
Feel free to leave comments, offer suggestions, tell me I'm crazy, or whatever you want - I can take it :-P
They aren't going to be in any order - but I'll try and date them the best I can :-P
Peace and Love